My First "Ticket"

I feel like I should commemorate this moment. I got pulled over for the first time today, making an illegal left from Collings Ave onto 130 on the way home from PATCO. *Sigh*. I'm actually surprised by how well I held it together, my heart was beating kind of fast but I didn't lose all feeling in my arms and legs like I did when a cop flashed me out of the fast lane on 295 one time. Lucky for me, it's the middle of the month and the cop was a sweetheart about it. I did the slightly pathetic but not overdone puppy-dog eyes and called him "sir" and everything, and he commended my good driving record and let me off with a warning. Other than my run-in with the antique Camaro's bumper in high school (which did not result in a run-in with the po-po, thank God), I've managed to avoid police attention on the road for 3 and half years, which isn't too bad. And I didn't get a ticket this time, so as far as I'm concerned it still doesn't count :P

Going to the Big M.E

Less than one year from now, I will be flying to Amman, Jordan. Completely alone.

After a long and intense deliberation, I've decided to risk being "sex-trafficked" and put my trust in a small volunteer organization called Geovisions. They promise to place me in a safe and stable Jordanian home where I will live for one month while tutoring locals in English and improving my Arabic, Insha'Allah. It's an incredible opportunity. I'll be able to visit some of the most important biblical sites, not to mention Jerusalem itself. I told Andy that if I die there I'll probably go straight to heaven. He didn't think that was funny.

Anyway, I'm sure I'll have a lot more interesting things to write about when all this comes to pass! I'm leaving on May 17, 2011 and returning on June 17. For now, all I can do is wait for Geovisions to contact me when they've found a family to take me in, and pay off the fee to the program (which is modest in comparison to most of its kind). Jordan is supposed to be one of the most hospitable nations on Earth, and I can't wait to soak it all in, from the people to the language to the food. After the GRE, I need to work very hard on my spoken Arabic up until my departure day, so that I can get the most out of the short time that I'm there. Fun Fact: Amman was (one of) the original Philadelphia's of Ancient Rome. It's meant to be :-)

A "Stinky" Father's Day

Last night at approximately 11:00 PM, my cocker spaniel was sprayed in the face by a skunk in our backyard. She was shaking and proceeded to scrape her face along the deck before tracking the odor into the house. We've all smelled that skunk-y smell while driving along the road, but that's only the beginning. Get closer, and the smell becomes the pungent, unbearable scent of burning garlic. It is a multi-faceted odor that seeps into your furniture and carpets with just the presence of the contaminated creature. So this Father's Day, I didn't get to see much of my dad. He couldn't stand the smell anymore and rode his bike to my grandmother's house in Bellmawr, while my mom and I shampooed the rugs, sofas, floors, pillows, and, of course, the dog. After three hours, the house smells like a skunk drenched in Ajax.

Three baths later, along with a washcloth of vinegar to the face and quarantining in the basement, I think it's safe to say that my dog won't be venturing too far from the deck at night anymore.

Summer Update

I haven't written in awhile, so I decided to give my blog a makeover and just post a few updates to get the ball rolling.

Emotional tumult = plethora of inspiration for writing.

Moving back home + relationship issues + loss of friends = emotional tumult

Happiness = BORING!

After a rocky start, this summer has turned out to be quite a good one. Maybe even the best ever. After whining about not having any friends for a few weeks, I've found myself with more plans than I can feasibly carry out. I've reconnected with old friends and found some amazing new ones. After whining about working unpredictable night shifts at Red Eagle, I was moved to the morning shift Monday through Thursday. After whining about not doing anything worthwhile for my undefined career this summer, I was asked to start 2 months early for my World Affairs Council internship. I have nothing to complain about.

So there you have it, I don't want to speak too soon but I'm plugging along nicely right now.

25 Things!

So let me just say how excited I was to be tagged in Sarah's This Unfinished Life to post 25 random things about myself. I was feeling really insecure tonight and it made me smile to be included in her list :)

So here goes...

1: I often feel like the "black sheep" when in a group, interestingly enough because I'm too liberal for my conservative friends and too conservative for my liberal friends.

2: The only time I don't feel like a black sheep is when I'm with Andy, because he and I are the same type of sheep. But then I wonder, does everyone feel like a black sheep?

3: Sheep is a funny word.

4: Sometimes, I watch youtube videos of kittens to cheer myself up.

5: I have a wavering relationship with the institution of the Catholic Church, but an unwavering relationship with God.

6: I am obsessed with nuns, and am periodically haunted by the thought that I may be called to become one. (I'm not, I simply admire their strength and grace)

7: I have never been drunk, and the temptation to drink does not exist within me. I think that part of my brain never developed. Thank God.

8: I am afraid that I will one day find myself homeless, in more ways than one.

9: I don't know if I want to go to grad school.

10: I have a lot of love to give, but it is extremely focused love. I'm not a people pleaser in the grand sense. I seek the approval of my family and a limited group of cherished friends only. Very limited.

11: I am neurotically punctual and cheap. I'm working on it, and slowly improving in both areas.

12: There was a short time in my life when I was not burdened with thoughts about my body's imperfections, and I miss it.

13: In college, I've acquired enough confidence to recognize what I deserve and to not compare myself to other girls.

14: There are three prayers in my life that were answered after the fervent recitation of a rosary. I believe in the power of prayer.

15: I love the movie Zoolander.

16: I bought a UPenn wallet and felt like a traitor, but I'm sorry TCNJ, UPenn is just a better lover than you.

17: I like to personify places.

18: I miss my grandmother every day.

19: I worry that my future children will not get to meet their grandfather, the same way that I didn't. Isn't drinking grand?

20: I need to let go of a lot of bitterness.

21: I felt the first tickings of my biological clock this week. Uh-oh.

22: I hope to one day visit Jerusalem.

23: I want to name my son Ezekiel because it's a kick-ass sounding Bible name. Or Enoch. Or Malachi.

24: I don't care about the Phillies, at all. I care about the Flyers a little.

25: I stopped eating sweets for Lent this year, but gave up after a homily in which the priest said, "Lent isn't about giving up Hershey kisses!"...hehe, works for me.

AGAINST "Everybody Draw Muhammad Day"

This truly makes me sick. Apparently, all of this began when Comedy Central censored a depiction of the Prophet Muhammad that aired on South Park several months ago, and it stirred controversy over issues of censorship, political correctness, freedom of speech, etc.

Cartoonist Molly Norris subsequently created "Everybody Draw Muhammad Day", which is scheduled for tomorrow as a protest against Islamic extremism and censorship in general. While Islamic extremism is inarguably a dire issue, this type of tactless, disrespectful, and overall ignorant response is simply appalling to me. Depictions of the Prophet Muhammad are forbidden in Islam. Do people truly believe that by insulting a fundamentally peaceful religion practiced by millions of law-abiding citizens worldwide they are somehow going to aid in the fight against extremism?

I think it would serve the American public well to take a look at history. Plural societies existed in peace under Islamic rule for centuries in both the Abbasid and the Ottoman Empires, to name two. (FYI: the Ottoman Empire survived from the 12th through the 20th century. Makes the American Empire look a little puny, huh?). Islam teaches respect for all who believe in God, and Christians, Jews, and Muslims were once able to live in harmony because they UNDERSTOOD and RESPECTED each other. They blended their cultures and ideals, creating a beautiful tapestry of coexistence that gave us some of the most influential scientific, artistic, and literary achievements.

I'm not trying to say that these societies were perfect, but they were much closer to "world peace" than we are. I understand the argument that Islamic groups oftentimes do not treat America (Christianity, or what have you) with respect, but answering fire with fire has never really solved any problems, has it? It just burns the whole damn house down, and unlike popular media opinion, we all used to live quite comfortably in this house together before the Church of Nationalism and Imperialism decided that it wanted to pin us all against each other.

I understand freedom of speech, and although I'd never argue that people shouldn't have the right to draw a picture of Muhammad, that freedom can be used for good or it can be used for evil. You can cover it with all the jargon you want, but "Everybody Draw Muhammad Day" is meant to offend Muslims, and to me, that's a show of some Americans' ignorance and arrogance if I've ever seen one.

Summer Storm

Yesterday, I witnessed the most magnificent thunderstorm I've ever seen. And better yet, I was on the beach in Atlantic City for one last hoorah with my friends from UPenn before we go our separate ways for the summer (some back to New England, another to Utah, etc). I don't know if you've been to AC in the past few years, but Donald Trump built an enormous outlet mall jutting out a few hundred yards into the ocean. As my boyfriend and the guys watched the Flyers advance in the playoffs from outside a sports bar, myself and the ladies looked out over the ocean from the third floor of the mall, watching as the waves grew rougher and buckets of water pummeled the side of the building. I faced the dilemma of whether or not to risk driving all of my friends back to Philadelphia at 10 o'clock at night in a severe storm, not to mention that we were about a 15 minute walk from where our cars were parked. We decided to take the risk, and found that the rain had let up by the time the Flyers had come back from 0-3 to beat the Bruins 4-3 in Game 7 (a historic feat, according to Andy).

As we splashed down the boardwalk, peopled only by creepy guys begging to give us a ride in one of the covered push-carts, lightning lit up the sky. Two of our friends started running toward the beach, and my initial instinct was fear as full bolts of lightening crackled above the sea. But suddenly I let the fear go, we all did, as the two guys waved us on to come up onto the sand dune and look. We watched electricity pulsate silently through the night sky, illuminating the grey expanse over the black ocean. It was no longer menacing, but beautiful, and rare.

Andy turned to me and said "think of what they pay in special effects to recreate that, do you want to try and take a picture?". I said no, just watch. Some moments are too special to be documented. Scramble to find your camera, and you'll miss it.

God, I Need You...

Due to something that shall go undiscussed, I find myself in a familiar place...clutching my rosary like a life preserver. I call it "epic rosary" because it's much bigger than the cute little ones with the smooth, pretty beads. It's made of green cubes connected by grey chain links. My parents ordered it from Ireland when I made my confirmation in my junior year of high school (a story for another day). But anyway, it's helped me feel close to God in some dark times...

When I feel broken and devalued, I remember that I am valued as a daughter of God, and He will never betray me. I remember that fear and anxiety must be combatted by the hope that God brings. I really can't put into words how I'm feeling right now...but I do know that I can't get through it alone. I'm not strong enough.

"Hold My Heart" by Tenth Avenue North

One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain,
Could the maker of the stars,
hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One light, that's all I am,
right now I can barely stand...
If you're everything you say you are,
won't you come close, and hold my heart?

Coming Back Home

Today was my first day back in West Deptford, and I have to say it was a little strange. As chaotic as my life was living between WD, UPenn, and TCNJ (that's a lot of acronyms...), it was my life for two years, and I had grown accustomed to living out of a suitcase as I attempted to show equal attention to my College, my family, and my boyfriend each week. I guess it goes to show that our lives are what we make of them, and as I organize my room knowing that I won't be moving back out in August, I'm trying to see this new chapter as an exciting opportunity to move courageously toward my future (whatever that means). For those of you who don't know, no I'm not dropping out of college, I'm commuting to TCNJ for the final two years of my undergraduate degree. It was a complicated, difficult decision. A big part of it was money. My scholarship covers my tuition and most of my fees, so therefore I was only taking out students loans to live in a crappy dorm, and I simply was not willing to do that anymore. I also wanted to be closer to my family (due to some issues...) as well as Andy, and lastly, I was never the traditional "college experience"-type. Drinking doesn't interest me whatsoever, and I've never been very good at maintaining large groups of friends (aka sorority-type living). I'm more of a one-on-one type of friend, or very small groups, and I prefer to forge lasting connections rather than numerous shallow, fair-weather type friendships. Somehow this translates into my losing friends quite often. Does anyone else feel like they're always losing friends? It astounds me that Andy has stuck around for almost 6 years, so I must be doing SOMETHING right...

Anyway, I've gotten very off track...what was I talking about? Oh yeah, being home. So it's an adjustment that is making me feel a mixture of euphoria, nostalgia, and melancholy...it'll be easier once Andy is home after his finals on Tuesday, because no matter where I am, I always feel at home with him.

Dear TCNJ

I've been grappling with what to say to you these past few days, and here we are. Our last night living together. As much as you've done for me, I do not regret my decision to keep our relationship purely professional from now on. You took me in as a scared, broken girl and spit me out as a woman in the space of a few short months, but I really can't give you all, if any, of the credit, because I've realized something in the past few weeks...God would have been with me during *that* time regardless of whether I was at TCNJ or Sarah Lawrence, but He knew that I would be better off here. I had a lot of great friends placed in my life that I will be forever grateful for, many of whom have fallen away, a fact that has left a lasting wound on my heart. I blamed you, TCNJ, for that, but I know it's not your fault that people change. The truth of the matter is, I sat at dinner alone tonight and I'm sitting alone now, in my empty room. The past is gone, and it's time to move on and let go. I've lost a lot of friends over the years, and I thought that it would be different this time. Home is where the heart is, and TCNJ, my heart is no longer here with you. I'm going back to West Deptford, and I've been seeing someone else, UPenn, for quite some time. He's much hotter than you. Sorry, that was out of line. Thanks for the memories, I'll try to remember our relationship for the good times rather than the bad. You helped me to foster a deeper relationship with Christ than I have ever had in my life, and for that I can never thank you enough. I will highly recommend you to anyone searching for an alternative college experience.

Love, Nicole

There's More To Life Than College

It's finals week, a time when a measure of anxiety is unavoidable. Last semester, I let my anxiety over my schoolwork consume and define me. I got a 4.0, but I was extremely unhappy and let my spiritual life fall by the wayside. This Sunday, I went to Saint Agatha- Saint James Church on the University of Pennsylvania campus. Their 10 PM (yes, in the evening) mass is attended by dozens of college students from Penn, Drexel, Temple, etc, and the homilies are catered to that age group. This week, the priest advised us to not let ourselves be defined by a test score. I think that this is an important message for our era in particular. Many on the verge of adulthood are more concerned with money, career advancement, and selfish desires than personal growth and real, loving relationships, and I know that I'm guilty of such disillusionment from time to time. There is a difference between a 4.0 and a good education, and God has a lot more to tell us than a textbook. So good luck on finals everyone, do your best, but don't lose (too much) sleep over your exams, for they do not define you.

Just Say It

My friend Ishani says whatever is on her mind. Once, quite seriously, she told a professor not to expect her to be in class much because it was at 8:30 AM and she simply cannot manage to get up. She says what everyone else is thinking, without apology.

Although I wouldn't go that far, lately I've taken to saying the superfluous things that come to my mind. You know what I'm saying, when you see an acquaintance and you think to yourself, "hey, she gave a really great presentation in class yesterday" or "I really like her shoes", but most of the time they are just passing observations and remain unsaid because you may not even remember the person's name. But since I've found myself traveling solo this year at TCNJ, I've found that those little remarks give me a sense of human connection, and in the process I hope that I brighten their day too. Ever since my friend Onion committed suicide last month, I've been more in tune to the subtleties of human interaction. A short exchange of words can change the course of a person's day, and one day can change the course of a life.

A Few Scattered Chords

Every afternoon, the boy living in the room above me sings and plays his guitar. I don't know who he is, and I probably never will. More often than not, it's a welcome distraction. I lay on my bed and look up at the trees, as my room is partially underground in the basement of Centennial Hall. I catch melodies and words, but most are distorted as they travel through the thin walls. But it doesn't matter. It's comforting to know that I'm not the only one sitting alone, foregoing my work and thinking of nothing but the solitude of that moment. It's a precious, refreshing melancholy. I've learned in college that most things aren't meant to last forever, and that life is a collection of moments that you choose to do with as you wish. After this semester is over, I'll never live in a dorm room again, and my "traditional" college experience will soon be a distant memory. But that's okay. Once the pain of the broken friendships fades, I'll have memories like this, of being a twenty-year-old student caught in the middle of childhood and adulthood, listening to the falling rain punctuated by a few scattered chords.

Something to Brighten Your Day?

So my boyfriend showed me this video yesterday - it's a 13 year old Korean boy named Sungha Jung, he's a famous guitar prodigy on YouTube. I'll let the music speak for itself.

Seen Here Playing "More Than Words" by Extreme

Hello Everyone, I Should Be Writing A Final Paper

It's the last week of classes here at TCNJ, and I am in the process of writing a 15-20 page paper about the Jews in the Habsburg and Ottoman Empires (well, I've clearly taken a not-so-well-deserved break...). I tend to write about the Jews a lot, if they had a minor in Jewish history I would probably opt for that. I can't really tell you how or why this interest arose.

Anyway, so I noticed that a few friends of mine had started blogging, and I really can't tell you what I plan to accomplish by making my own, but here we are. I titled it "Alhamdulillah", which is one of my favorite Arabic words. It is used in a variety of ways, but most basically it translates as "Praise to God". I am deeply blessed in my life and I love the Arabic language, so it combines two of my favorite things. I also opted for a pink background, because who needs more sadness in life by looking at dark, scary colors? I know I could use a pick-me-up. I'm taking a class entitled "Holocaust", enough said.