Summer Storm

Yesterday, I witnessed the most magnificent thunderstorm I've ever seen. And better yet, I was on the beach in Atlantic City for one last hoorah with my friends from UPenn before we go our separate ways for the summer (some back to New England, another to Utah, etc). I don't know if you've been to AC in the past few years, but Donald Trump built an enormous outlet mall jutting out a few hundred yards into the ocean. As my boyfriend and the guys watched the Flyers advance in the playoffs from outside a sports bar, myself and the ladies looked out over the ocean from the third floor of the mall, watching as the waves grew rougher and buckets of water pummeled the side of the building. I faced the dilemma of whether or not to risk driving all of my friends back to Philadelphia at 10 o'clock at night in a severe storm, not to mention that we were about a 15 minute walk from where our cars were parked. We decided to take the risk, and found that the rain had let up by the time the Flyers had come back from 0-3 to beat the Bruins 4-3 in Game 7 (a historic feat, according to Andy).

As we splashed down the boardwalk, peopled only by creepy guys begging to give us a ride in one of the covered push-carts, lightning lit up the sky. Two of our friends started running toward the beach, and my initial instinct was fear as full bolts of lightening crackled above the sea. But suddenly I let the fear go, we all did, as the two guys waved us on to come up onto the sand dune and look. We watched electricity pulsate silently through the night sky, illuminating the grey expanse over the black ocean. It was no longer menacing, but beautiful, and rare.

Andy turned to me and said "think of what they pay in special effects to recreate that, do you want to try and take a picture?". I said no, just watch. Some moments are too special to be documented. Scramble to find your camera, and you'll miss it.

God, I Need You...

Due to something that shall go undiscussed, I find myself in a familiar place...clutching my rosary like a life preserver. I call it "epic rosary" because it's much bigger than the cute little ones with the smooth, pretty beads. It's made of green cubes connected by grey chain links. My parents ordered it from Ireland when I made my confirmation in my junior year of high school (a story for another day). But anyway, it's helped me feel close to God in some dark times...

When I feel broken and devalued, I remember that I am valued as a daughter of God, and He will never betray me. I remember that fear and anxiety must be combatted by the hope that God brings. I really can't put into words how I'm feeling right now...but I do know that I can't get through it alone. I'm not strong enough.

"Hold My Heart" by Tenth Avenue North

One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain,
Could the maker of the stars,
hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One light, that's all I am,
right now I can barely stand...
If you're everything you say you are,
won't you come close, and hold my heart?

Coming Back Home

Today was my first day back in West Deptford, and I have to say it was a little strange. As chaotic as my life was living between WD, UPenn, and TCNJ (that's a lot of acronyms...), it was my life for two years, and I had grown accustomed to living out of a suitcase as I attempted to show equal attention to my College, my family, and my boyfriend each week. I guess it goes to show that our lives are what we make of them, and as I organize my room knowing that I won't be moving back out in August, I'm trying to see this new chapter as an exciting opportunity to move courageously toward my future (whatever that means). For those of you who don't know, no I'm not dropping out of college, I'm commuting to TCNJ for the final two years of my undergraduate degree. It was a complicated, difficult decision. A big part of it was money. My scholarship covers my tuition and most of my fees, so therefore I was only taking out students loans to live in a crappy dorm, and I simply was not willing to do that anymore. I also wanted to be closer to my family (due to some issues...) as well as Andy, and lastly, I was never the traditional "college experience"-type. Drinking doesn't interest me whatsoever, and I've never been very good at maintaining large groups of friends (aka sorority-type living). I'm more of a one-on-one type of friend, or very small groups, and I prefer to forge lasting connections rather than numerous shallow, fair-weather type friendships. Somehow this translates into my losing friends quite often. Does anyone else feel like they're always losing friends? It astounds me that Andy has stuck around for almost 6 years, so I must be doing SOMETHING right...

Anyway, I've gotten very off track...what was I talking about? Oh yeah, being home. So it's an adjustment that is making me feel a mixture of euphoria, nostalgia, and melancholy...it'll be easier once Andy is home after his finals on Tuesday, because no matter where I am, I always feel at home with him.

Dear TCNJ

I've been grappling with what to say to you these past few days, and here we are. Our last night living together. As much as you've done for me, I do not regret my decision to keep our relationship purely professional from now on. You took me in as a scared, broken girl and spit me out as a woman in the space of a few short months, but I really can't give you all, if any, of the credit, because I've realized something in the past few weeks...God would have been with me during *that* time regardless of whether I was at TCNJ or Sarah Lawrence, but He knew that I would be better off here. I had a lot of great friends placed in my life that I will be forever grateful for, many of whom have fallen away, a fact that has left a lasting wound on my heart. I blamed you, TCNJ, for that, but I know it's not your fault that people change. The truth of the matter is, I sat at dinner alone tonight and I'm sitting alone now, in my empty room. The past is gone, and it's time to move on and let go. I've lost a lot of friends over the years, and I thought that it would be different this time. Home is where the heart is, and TCNJ, my heart is no longer here with you. I'm going back to West Deptford, and I've been seeing someone else, UPenn, for quite some time. He's much hotter than you. Sorry, that was out of line. Thanks for the memories, I'll try to remember our relationship for the good times rather than the bad. You helped me to foster a deeper relationship with Christ than I have ever had in my life, and for that I can never thank you enough. I will highly recommend you to anyone searching for an alternative college experience.

Love, Nicole

There's More To Life Than College

It's finals week, a time when a measure of anxiety is unavoidable. Last semester, I let my anxiety over my schoolwork consume and define me. I got a 4.0, but I was extremely unhappy and let my spiritual life fall by the wayside. This Sunday, I went to Saint Agatha- Saint James Church on the University of Pennsylvania campus. Their 10 PM (yes, in the evening) mass is attended by dozens of college students from Penn, Drexel, Temple, etc, and the homilies are catered to that age group. This week, the priest advised us to not let ourselves be defined by a test score. I think that this is an important message for our era in particular. Many on the verge of adulthood are more concerned with money, career advancement, and selfish desires than personal growth and real, loving relationships, and I know that I'm guilty of such disillusionment from time to time. There is a difference between a 4.0 and a good education, and God has a lot more to tell us than a textbook. So good luck on finals everyone, do your best, but don't lose (too much) sleep over your exams, for they do not define you.

Just Say It

My friend Ishani says whatever is on her mind. Once, quite seriously, she told a professor not to expect her to be in class much because it was at 8:30 AM and she simply cannot manage to get up. She says what everyone else is thinking, without apology.

Although I wouldn't go that far, lately I've taken to saying the superfluous things that come to my mind. You know what I'm saying, when you see an acquaintance and you think to yourself, "hey, she gave a really great presentation in class yesterday" or "I really like her shoes", but most of the time they are just passing observations and remain unsaid because you may not even remember the person's name. But since I've found myself traveling solo this year at TCNJ, I've found that those little remarks give me a sense of human connection, and in the process I hope that I brighten their day too. Ever since my friend Onion committed suicide last month, I've been more in tune to the subtleties of human interaction. A short exchange of words can change the course of a person's day, and one day can change the course of a life.

A Few Scattered Chords

Every afternoon, the boy living in the room above me sings and plays his guitar. I don't know who he is, and I probably never will. More often than not, it's a welcome distraction. I lay on my bed and look up at the trees, as my room is partially underground in the basement of Centennial Hall. I catch melodies and words, but most are distorted as they travel through the thin walls. But it doesn't matter. It's comforting to know that I'm not the only one sitting alone, foregoing my work and thinking of nothing but the solitude of that moment. It's a precious, refreshing melancholy. I've learned in college that most things aren't meant to last forever, and that life is a collection of moments that you choose to do with as you wish. After this semester is over, I'll never live in a dorm room again, and my "traditional" college experience will soon be a distant memory. But that's okay. Once the pain of the broken friendships fades, I'll have memories like this, of being a twenty-year-old student caught in the middle of childhood and adulthood, listening to the falling rain punctuated by a few scattered chords.